Thursday, February 5, 2009

Not Quite the End

It was New Year’s Eve when I realized it might finally be over. You let me down. I burned with pain. But I endured the night with a smile. I wouldn’t let anyone know that I couldn’t take it any more.

I didn’t want it to end. But I needed a break.

For so many years you lifted me up. Literally. You made me feel tall, beautiful, confident. So grown up. So fabulous.

You in all your incarnations through every season, always there to raise me up when I needed it.

But the punishment took its toll.

I spent too many years ignoring this hurt and that. Not wanting to give you up. Not wanting to admit that you were simply not good for me.

I’d see all those other women, so happy. If they could have that, why not me?

So I didn’t want to admit it just might not be working out. I still don’t want to admit it. I don’t want it to be over. I would do anything to keep you in my life.

I remember being too young for you, dreaming of the day I could finally have you. We’ve had many blissful years since. Sure, I've felt pain now and then. But the pain never lasted too long. I always got through it.

Now, though, it’s gotten to be too much. Dare I say — and I don’t want to say it — you scare me. I’m a little afraid of you. And that’s the hardest thing of all to admit.

I just knew if didn’t make a break, something terrible and irreversible might happen.

So there we are. I miss you, terribly. So many reminders of you everywhere only makes it harder.

Quite simply, I can't imagine life without you. I don't think I could take that. I refuse to accept it.

But the break has been good. I'm taking care of myself and the pain has subsided.

I now feel ready to try again, just baby steps, to see if we can make another go of it.

Last night was wonderful. If only for a few hours. Oh I felt a little sting now and then but you were pretty good to me.

I will see you again. I just know it.

Because I cannot imagine life without you.

(Well, maybe I could live without you four-inch heels.)

(By the way: That gorgeous illustration above is available here:


Cynthia L said...

Great post ... I love it when people talk to their shoes! Funny thing, I am working on a Midpoint column about how my parents forced me to wear orthopedic shoes for my flat feet when I was a kid. It has taken me years to make peace with my poor feet. I have fallen in LOVE with ballet flats made by Me Too! (thanks to a tip from my hairstylist who looks fabulous even in comfy shoes!)

Only the Half of It said...

I was afraid someone might not get it and blogspot would not let me post the photo at the end, which would have served as a punch line. So I added the last line to be sure, but I don't like having it there. :-)
I am seriously upset about the fear I have of my high heels shoes. They really did me in NYE.
I used to wear ballet flats ALL the time... I guess what goes around comes around. I do love the added height of heels though. NOTHING like it!

Anonymous said...

Ok you scared me at first. I thought you were talking about Tom at first. I had to stop and read again. I still wear heels now and then and when I do I am always complemented on my legs. Yet my feet always hurt me at the end of the day. Also when you are 5'7 3/4 without heels it makes you quite a bit taller than some guys it is kinda fun. Unless of course you are with a really tall guy. Anywho.
Love ya cousin Bobbi

Only the Half of It said...

Ooops! Well, I don't want to scare people I changed the image to a fun poster of a sexy red shoe. Yet I don't want to totally give it away.
Actually, 5-foot-7-3/4 is a nice height to be. On the taller side but still able to wear heels and not be taller than most men.
High heels do give you a different stance. And I believe I just feel better in them overall. The feet? Not so much.

Debra Darvick said...

I got it from the start. Wonderful. GREAT photo. Whoo boy! The post would be just as strong w/o your last line. I have a pair of cowboy boots -- dusky dark grey with turquoise peek-a-boo cutouts/tooling. When I put them on I feel smokin'! But when it comes to pain. from men or shoes, don't keep the heels that ruin you.

Only the Half of It said...

Those boots do sound hot!
Honestly, I am not sure who I wear them for. I like them on me and the added height. But I wonder if deep down we wear the for others (including women... they do say women dress more for other women than for men and believe it!).
I've had a long love affair with shoes. I can't believe some pairs I used to wear because I can't fit my foot into them now. Must be the bunions.
Oh the pain we endure! ;-)

me said...

Yeah, nothing can abuse you like a shoe can.
But then you also already have invested in the relationship to work, and all your friends tell you how great you look together..
They don't know... the pain on the inside..

Only the Half of It said...

After NYE, I actually developed a fear of my high heel shoes... I started imagining myself one day limping and in pain from some irreversible injury that I'd have only myself/my vanity to blame. I'm thinking of seeing a podiatrist.

Sharon said...

Enjoyed your clever post and the photo of the beautiful red shoe - though I've never worn anything like it. I have a difficult time finding shoes that fit and live vicariously through the experiences of others.